Why hard conversations feel so uncomfortable—and how to change that

Reader,

Have you ever felt beyond uncomfortable in a work conversation?

You know the feeling...

Heat rises in your chest. Your vision narrows. You can’t think straight. And you’re looking for a way to get out—fast.

The limiting factor.

If your tolerance for human tension is low, you won’t be able to stay present in the moments that matter most.

Moments when you need to lead.

When other people react, you must have the capacity to stay calm, think clearly, and respond.

Your capacity will either limit you as a leader—or create opportunity.

There’s one sure way to expand your capacity for heat and tension. It’s simple. But it’s not easy.

Expanding your capacity.

I still remember my first several weeks in a deep strength training class.

The goal? Take each muscle group to complete failure. The burning sensation was unbearable.

Here’s what happened:

• My leg quivered as I pressed the brake driving home.
• My arm was so unsteady I dropped my wine glass.
• I couldn’t hold my arms above my head long enough to wash my hair.
• I plopped into chairs because my legs gave out halfway down.

When I shared these ridiculous stories with classmates, their response surprised me.

Several women who’d been doing the class for years no longer felt any discomfort at all.

Why? Their tolerance for exertion had increased.

And they actually missed the sensations of pain and discomfort—because it let them know their muscles were getting stronger.

Heat is heat.

Whether it’s physical or emotional, heat is heat. And you can build your capacity for it over time.

Each time you let yourself feel tension—and stay fully present in the conversation—your comfort level grows.

Your leadership expands.

You become the one who stays calm, clear-headed, and responsive, even when others can't.

Responding in the moment.

After years of building my own capacity for heat, I found myself in a difficult meeting.

Tensions rose. The conversation derailed. People were upset. They reacted.

But I didn’t. I looked around and realized: I was completely calm. An observer. Clear. Grounded.

And I responded.

Why? Because my capacity had expanded, my emotions no longer sent me into a spiral.

The benefits are endless.

Clearly, the leadership benefits of an expanded capacity for heat are great.

You simply can’t lead if all you can do is react.

But imagine if you can:

• Calmly observe and notice what’s happening with clarity.
• See from a higher vantage point than others.
• Address conflict, challenge, and tension without fear or hesitation.
• Stay calm and confident.
• Focus on the present moment.
• Listen. Hear.
• Be responsive instead of reactive.

...with no desire to escape or avoid. Committed to building trust in that moment.

How do I have difficult conversations?

It’s one of the most common questions rising leaders ask.

There are plenty of great tips, tools, and techniques out there—and I encourage you to explore them.

But the most important thing you can do?

Expand your capacity for those conversations—and the feelings that come with them.

Only then can you truly hear what’s being said, ask the questions that need asking, and say what needs to be said.

Develop your leadership strength.

It all comes down to your capacity. So next time you feel that old familiar heat, transform the moment.

Treat it like leadership strength training. Stay present. Grow.

Enjoy!

Sara

Follow me on LinkedIn​

Learn about the Intrinsic Leadership Course​