Part 6: The honesty gap

Reader,

Welcome to Part 6 in a series on developing agency in your team.

Agency is all about equipping your team to know what to do, know why it matters, and take action with their team -- and giving feedback is a crucial part of the process.

Most team members crave more honesty than their leaders give them. I wish I had really understood this sooner.

I used to think long and hard about how to say things to my team. I worried about how they’d receive tough feedback. I pulled punches, held back, softened it, and alluded instead of saying it directly.

But as I've spent more and more time coaching, training, and developing rising leaders into much bigger roles, my definition of "honest" has completely changed.

So let’s answer a really important question: How honest can you be with your team?

Generalities feel safer.
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If you spend time around founders, CEOs, and senior leaders, you’ll hear them wrestle with how to handle endless employee challenges.

One thing I’ve noticed: very few leaders feel comfortable being fully honest.

Instead, they speak in generalities. They stop short of clear, direct feedback their team can actually understand and use to improve.

When I held back (and I often did), it was usually because I didn’t want to offend or upset someone, I wanted to be seen as a good leader, I felt bad pointing out issues repeatedly, or I let my own frustration cloud the real issue.

When good leaders give unclear feedback.
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Most leaders aren’t trying to be vague.

But their emotions and motives get in the way and shape how feedback is delivered, or whether it’s delivered at all.

This is normal. Gaps in your team’s performance affect you. You carry a heavy burden when your team misses the mark.

The pendulum swing.
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Because feedback is so complex and challenging, rising leaders often swing between two extremes:

• Micromanaging and controlling areas where they see deficiencies, even when their team is ready to grow.
• Or trusting completely, even when their team isn’t ready for that level of responsibility.

Both create a gap between what the leader wants and what the team actually understands.

I call this the honesty gap.

And the only way to close it is through clear, direct feedback delivered with respect, care, and honesty.

The way your rising leaders see it.
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In my current consulting work, I’m not focused on traditional deliverables.

My goal is to help organizations grow by developing rising leaders far beyond their current capabilities.

Here’s what I’ve learned:

• When rising leaders step into bigger roles, they know they need to grow.
• They see feedback as essential.
• And they would much rather have honesty than vague hints.

A quick pause, because you might be thinking, “That’s not true for my team. They don't want feedback.”

Maybe. But how good are you at giving developmental feedback, really? Are you meeting them where they are and making sure they understand? Or are you moving on too quickly and assuming they got it?

Because this is what’s actually not helpful:

• Sensing dissatisfaction but not understanding the issue.
• Hearing generalized feedback that doesn’t connect to their situation.
• Not knowing what their leader actually wants.

Many leaders think they’re communicating clearly.
What they’re actually doing is communicating carefully.

The power of neutral.
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As a coach, I’ve learned to be far more direct. And I can do that without stress or hesitation because of one shift:

I’m neutral.

I’m not carrying the burden for what the team does or doesn't do. I’m not trying to compensate for their gaps. I’m not lying awake worrying about outcomes.

Bruce Lee described this kind of state as being like water: fluid, responsive, powerful. That’s what neutrality allows.

Many leaders believe they’re being neutral.
But they’re actually reacting from their own pressure, frustration, or urgency.

Your intention matters.
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When you give feedback, what’s really driving it?

Is it to stop something from going wrong?
Reduce your own stress?
Fix or correct behavior quickly?

If so, you may find yourself repeating feedback without seeing real change. I did.

What’s actually working.
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When I coach rising leaders, my focus is simple: them.

How can I meet them where they are?
Help them think at a higher level?
Be specific about how they need to grow?
Help them understand what their CEO is thinking?
Show them what strong leadership actually looks like in their role?
Give them a clear place to start?

They know my only motive is their growth and success. They know how much I care about them.

Because of that, they are willing to receive even the most direct and honest feedback.

Being neutral is hard.
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I know this isn’t easy.

But your motives show up in every conversation you have (and every conversation you avoid).

Next time you need to develop a rising leader, here's a great place to start:

• Think about their strengths and contributions.
• Their potential and what real growth would mean for them (not for you).
• The impact they could have at their best.
• What it would actually look like for them to operate at the next level.

Then assess:

• What ways of thinking and approaches to their work and team are in the way? (Be specific.)
• How is this gap limiting them and the team?
• What do they need to know and understand?
• What is one clear, specific, meaningful step they could take?

Then say it: with care, clarity, and a genuine desire to help them grow not just in this role, but in the next one… and the next.

Coaching lessons.
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I remember the first time I realized how direct I had become on a coaching call. I said things I never would have said to my own team. And she didn’t flinch. She simply said, “Yeah. I see that too.”

I’ve said things like:

• “No. That approach isn’t going to work anymore. It helped you succeed before, but you need a new way now.”
• “That may be true. But your CEO doesn’t see it that way. And if you want to contribute at this level, you need to understand their perspective.”
• “Can you see how this pattern is limiting your team? If they don’t grow, you won’t either.”

I had thought these things many times before. I just hadn’t said them.

I should have. And so should you.

Skip the jargon.
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And for the record, ChatGPT's advice on this subject misses the mark:

“Here’s what’s not working.”
“Here’s what I need from you.”
“Here’s what success looks like.”
“Here’s what you should do next time.”

These are task-level corrections, not leadership development.

It matters very little what someone is doing if they’re still thinking like an individual contributor.

What matters is how they think.
How they approach situations.
Whether they can step back, see the bigger picture, and anticipate what’s coming.

That’s where your time and energy should go.

Check your motives.
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If you want to close the honesty gap and help your team make meaningful progress, it has to be about them.

Keep one question at the forefront of your mind:

How can I help this rising leader become the best leader they can possibly be?

Generalities may feel safe to you. But directness feels safe to your rising leaders (when they trust your intent). And this is not a step you can skip if you want to build a team with real agency and leadership at every level.

Next up: the three things every person on your team needs to know.

Enjoy,
Sara

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